| 040: Thursday, March 1, 2012: 12PM EST |
[Thu 1 Mar / 11:41am] |
I just keep thinking about everything I lost... not the trivial things... not things that can be replaced, but...
My dad had sent me birthday cards and handwritten letters. I'll never be able to see those again... to hold them... to see in writing that he loved me and was proud of me. Every gift Shane has ever given me. Every... everything.
I'm not worried about my belongings. I lost them. They can be replaced. I just... I'm never going to get back the things that I kept for sentimental reasons.
I mean... I still had the panties I was wearing the night I lost my virginity. I'm a little bit of pack rat. I keep everything, and it's just ... gone.
I am so looking forward to the weekend. I think I need a few days off.
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| 039: Friday, February 10, 2012: 10AM EST |
[Fri 10 Feb / 1:48pm] |
[private: readable by Izzy and Shane]
It's been a year. Does it ever get any easier?
[/private]
BEST. BOYFRIEND. EVER.
MORE INFORMATION TO COME.
I THINK THIS INVOLVES DISNEY!
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| 038: Tuesday, November 29, 2011: 10AM EST |
[Tue 29 Nov / 1:10pm] |
[private: readable by Shane and Izzy]
I thought my birthday was bad. You know, not getting the call where he wished me a happy birthday… he always sang it. I used to have one of his voicemails, but my carrier deletes them after a certain amount of time. Which means that I can't hear his voice ever again. I can't even call his old cell phone number. It's disconnected now. Not that it would've worked. I was the one that had set it up for him. The same goes with the answering machine at the house in Atlanta. My voice is on it. I am never going to hear his voice again.. ever again. He's gone. He'll never hug me or kiss my cheek or.. anything.. ever again.
I had thought my birthday was bad, but Thanksgiving really sucked. And it's not over. Christmas is a few weeks. It'll be my first Christmas without Daddy. Then New Years. Then the anniversary of his death. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he died. It seems like it was just yesterday. It still hurts like it was yesterday.
I.. can't do this. I think I'm going to go get some pancakes. Class is not where I want to be right now.
[/]
[Stacey]
Did you go to school today?
[/]
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
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| 037: October 20, 2011: 9AM EST |
[Thu 20 Oct / 9:47am] |
I, uh... forgot my phone at home.
Don't call or text.
I'll get it back this afternoon.
[private: readable by close friends]
I can't believe she... why would she put that in her journal so that everyone could read it? That was private. No one else should have seen that.
Shane can see that. Zak can see that.
I just... I can't... I shouldn't have left my phone.
[/private]
[Ollie]
Do you think I'm a prude... or frigid?
[/Ollie]
[Lissy]
Do I look old? Stacey says that my bangs make me look old... like... she thought I was twenty-eight.
[/Lizzy]
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| 036: Friday, October 15, 2011: 4PM EST |
[Fri 14 Oct / 9:58pm] |
It's almost Halloween! Hailey and I have been looking for costumes. That little girl has some interesting taste, let me tell you. Most of the things she wants me to wear is kind of... I don't know... revealing. She wanted us to dress like Little Red Riding Hood. She said that Ollie could be the Big Bad Wolf. She also suggested that we dress like one of the Disney Princesses... I can't remember which one. I thought that was something we could work with, but the costume she picked for me was... I don't know. It showed a lot of cleavage and a lot of leg. She insisted that it was pretty, but I wasn't completely sold on the idea. I would take her father with us, but I don't know that he would be any help. I think he would approve of the costumes she's picking.
So... COSTUME SUGGESTIONS?
[private]
Thanksgiving comes after Halloween. Christmas comes after Thanksgiving.
I keep thinking about how I wont be able to spend these holidays with my dad... about how I'll never spend another holiday with my dad... about how he'll never meet my children... about everything. I miss him... so much... I wish seeing him was an option. I wish that I could tell him that I love him one more time.
Sometimes, I think that I would want to move in with Ollie. He hasn't asked me to move in with him, but going to bed with him and waking up with him is nice. I suppose it doesn't matter. I don't think I could leave Zak. Besides, I should probably finish school before I start thinking about things like that.
[/private]
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| 035: Monday, February 7, 2011: 12PM EST |
[Mon 7 Feb / 7:10pm] |
[blocked from Zak and Ollie]
I can't believe he's gone. I miss him so much.
I feel like I abandoned him... I mean, I just left him. He's been all alone since I moved to New York. He didn't even know we were there. He died and he didn't even know we were there... he thought he was alone.
I didn't go to class. I got dressed and left like I was going to class, but I didn't go. I was planning to go, but... I don't know. I just didn't want to... sit there. I don't know. I'll go tomorrow.
For now... pancakes.
[/block]
I understand why people hate the snow, but... I love it.
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| 034: Friday, January 21, 2011: 4AM EST |
[Fri 21 Jan / 7:47am] |
Daddy's funeral is at 11AM.
If you want to attend, here are the details.
[insert info here - friends and family have been informed before now]
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| 033: Wednesday, January 19, 2011: 12:30PM EST |
[Thu 20 Jan / 12:42am] |
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He's gone.
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| 032: Monday, January 17, 2011: 1:30AM EST |
[Mon 17 Jan / 1:21am] |
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My dad has been in a car wreck. Please say a prayer for him.
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| 031: Thursday, December 23, 2010: 12PM EST |
[Thu 23 Dec / 12:39pm] |
[this post is made private once she sees THIS comment]
Oh. My. Gosh.
Disney Princess Bridal Gowns
I don't know which one I like more!!
Ariel is beautiful. Sleeping Beauty is so gorgeous. Belle is just... oh my gosh. Cinderella is so so so so pretty. The only one I'm not SUPER CRAZY about is Jasmine. Snow White is just... guh. Tiana is pretty, too.
This is me making grabby hands.
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| 030: Tuesday, November 9, 2010: 10PM EST |
[Tue 9 Nov / 6:31pm] |
( [private: readable by Lissy] )
( [Ollie] )
Halloween was so much fun. Thanksgiving is coming up. I REALLY WANT SOME PECAN PIE! After that? Christmas! SO EXCITED! I love this time of year!
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| 029: Thursday, September 2, 2010: 12PM EST |
[Thu 2 Sep / 3:26pm] |
[private]
Ollie has a kid… a daughter… it's strange. She's a sweet little girl, though. I really like her a lot. It's just… strange. Ollie is a father. He created a baby with someone. I don't know why this matters, but I keep thinking about it. It's strange.
[/private]
School starts in less than a week. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also dreading it. I'm only working part-time in preparation. It's nice to work less, but I keep feeling like I should be doing something productive.
[Ollie]
I was thinking about coming over to play with Hailey. Is that cool with you?
[/Ollie]
[Shane]
What are you doing tomorrow night?
[/Shane]
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| 028: Tuesday, July 13, 2010: 12PM EST |
[Tue 13 Jul / 11:21am] |
((OOC: Since Nathaniel Warner is her boss, she wants it noted that this was written on her break. She would never write in her journal when she's supposed to be at work.))
[private: readable by Lissy]
Something weird happened last night.
So... Ollie came over with pizza and beer. After dinner, we were watching 3:10 to Yuma, and we fell asleep.
I had this incredibly vivid dream about Ollie. Like... it was really vivid. In the middle of the dream, I woke up because he was pulling at me and telling me he wanted me. I told him that we couldn't and he seemed really exasperated. He asked me why. I told him that we couldn't because of Shane. He said, "Fuck Shane." He kept pulling at me and I told him again that we couldn't. I don't know if he was half asleep or what, but he finally got it after that. He said alright. I apologized. He told me not to apologize. He asked me if I wanted him to stay. I told him that I did. We went back to sleep.
I think I must've attacked him in my sleep or something. I don't know. I was dreaming about him, and we were... you know... making out and stuff. Then he woke me up all... the way that he was.
He's never acted that way before. Not even when we were... you know... making out and stuff.
In my dream, he told me that he loved me. I think I said it back.
I don't know. I don't want to tell Shane because he thinks Ollie is after me or something. I don't think this was Ollie's fault. I must've like... touched him while I was sleeping or something. I don't know. It was weird.
[/private]
Tonight, I'm getting Chinese. I'm really looking forward to that. Loooooove Chinese.
[Caleb]
How are you feeling?
[/Caleb]
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| 027: Monday, July 12, 2010: 6PM EST |
[Mon 12 Jul / 1:44am] |
Believe it or not, summer isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have a job. Good thing I enjoy my job, right?
I requested to have a week off before the summer ends. I don't think I'll have a problem getting the time off. Now, I just need to decide what I'm going to do with that week. Any suggestions?
[private: readable by Ollie]
Zak keeps having those dreams. I'm worried about him. I hope he's going to be alright. I thought they would've gone away by now.
And Caleb... he's finally home, but I'm still worried about him.
[/private]
As ridiculous as it sounds, I think I'm going to bed early. I was far too tired, today. So… a vote… which movie should I watch before I go to sleep? The Bodyguard, Grease, The 3:10 to Yuma, or La Bamba? (Don't tease me about my weird tastes.)
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| 026: Saturday, May 1, 2010: 6AM EST |
[Sat 1 May / 9:50am] |
[private: readable by Lissy, Shane, Ollie and Caleb]
I'm really worried about Zak.
He screamed in the middle of the night. Like… he screamed. I would've been afraid to leave my bedroom if I hadn't been worried about him. I've never heard him scream like that. When I got to his room, he was sitting up in bed. There was no reason for him to be screaming. I tried to talk to him, to tell him it was okay, but I don't think he heard me. He wouldn't talk to me. It was like he was confused. I don't know. I don't even know if he was awake. He looked awake, but he wasn't acting like himself.
What should I do? I thought about calling Dad, but I don't want to bring him into this. I'm just … I'm really scared and worried and I don't know what to do. I haven't been able to get back to sleep since it happened. I'm tired, but … I don't know.
[/private]
I think I'm going to run out for some breakfast. I'm craving pancakes... pancakes with strawberry jelly smeared on top.
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| 025: (backdated) Monday, April 12, 2010: 9PM EST |
[Wed 14 Apr / 1:42pm] |
[blocked from Ollie]
Ollie looks horrible. He looks… It's really, really bad. I think he needs to go to the hospital. I think Ana tried to make him go, but he's so freaking stubborn. I think he needs to go, though. I was afraid to touch him. It looked like he might break if I even patted his hand. I'm so worried. It's a good thing Ana is there to take care of him. He looks like he needs it.
I don't know why anyone would do this to him. He says the other guy looks just as bad. I certainly hope he does! He deserves it.
[/block]
We had a great time in Reno. It was… AWESOME. I think I'm a little restless. I really didn't want to go to school this morning. Is it summer, yet? I'm so incredibly ready for summer. You know… except for the part where my boyfriend moves home to Chicago for several months. That's not fun. The no school part? That's definitely fun, though.
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| 024: Thursday, April 1, 2010: 12PM EST |
[Thu 1 Apr / 1:19pm] |
So... I'm not at school. I don't really know where I am. I started walking and... I didn't really pay attention to where I was going... If I made plans to see you later today, I won't be following through with that. I decided to take a walk, instead. New York can be beautiful if you know where to look.
I'm thinking a mountain of French toast would be good right about now. I'll have to see if I can find somewhere to stop and get food... later. I don't know.
I miss Atlanta. I miss Zak. I hate New York.
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| 023: Thursday, April 1, 2010: 10AM EST |
[Thu 1 Apr / 7:39am] |
[Shane]
Should I be worried about our relationship? Caleb seems to think I should be worried about our relationship. Obviously, that means you've been talking to him about our relationship. Obviously, that means I'm out of the loop because I thought everything was fine when we... spent the night together.
If I should be worried about our relationship, you should be telling me not my roommate. You definitely shouldn't be making love to me if our relationship is in question.
What's going on?
Are you thinking about breaking up with me or something?
[/Shane]
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| 022: Thursday, April 1, 2010: 6AM EST |
[Thu 1 Apr / 6:57am] |
[After this.]
I am so glad I went to bed really early. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have slept at all.
I can't… I'm so… I want to… UGH!
I'm THIS CLOSE to going to Atlanta and never coming back.
Right now, I hate New York. Right now, I hate a lot of things. I'm so mad I can't even think straight.
I have to shower.
Anyone up for a slumber party? Lissy, Ryan… I need some time away from home and I doubt my boyfriend cares. He's probably happy.
I'm like THIS CLOSE to tears. If I don't get in the shower, I'm not going to make it to class.
This is ridiculous. Ridiculous doesn't seem like a strong enough word
[private to friends who are not Shane and Caleb]
I can't believe he kicked him out! I want to kick him out! I want to tell him to get out of my apartment! Right now, I would rather live in the dorms. I would rather lose the home Zak and I shared. I would rather… I don't know. I would rather drink dog pee than live with Caleb. How could he do that? How could he only give him a week to find somewhere to live. How could he bring me into it?
I really just want to cry. I can't, though. I can't sit down and get upset over this. I miss my big brother. I miss him so much. He warned me about Shane. He warned me about Ollie. He warned me about everyone. I don't care. I just want a hug. I can't go to my boyfriend for that hug. He's probably throwing some kind of party. I can't go to Caleb for that hug because he freaking sucks donkey nuts, right now. I can't go to Ollie for that hug because he's going through enough.
It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
I hate him, right now. I really freaking hate him, right now.
[/private]
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